Mindful Self-Compassion as an antidote to shame

The vast majority of my clients go through life with a lens of shame. Maybe it's an obvious shame, like if you cheated on a partner and can't forgive yourself. Maybe it's a very deep, hidden shame that you aren't even aware of until you've been in therapy for a long time, like some perceived flaw or failing that has become a core belief in your subconscious. Regardless of the source of the shame, it can show up as a grey cloud of judgment, self-criticism, regret, poor self-esteem, people-pleasing, and obsessive-compulsive type behaviors.

A few years ago, I heard psychologist Chris Germer say that the antidote to shame is self-compassion. Now just to be clear, self-compassion is not the same thing as self-love or narcissism. In fact, it leads to increased empathy, not less. So here is a brief mindful self-compassion exercise (courtesy of Dr. Germer’s partner, Dr. Kristin Neff) that you can try when you find yourself lacking in empathy or self-acceptance.

Think of a situation in your life that is difficult, that is causing you stress. Call the situation to mind, and see if you can actually feel the stress and emotional discomfort in your body.
Now, say to yourself:
1. "This is a moment of suffering."
That’s mindfulness. Other options include:
"This hurts."
"Ouch."
"This is stress."
2. "Suffering is a part of life."
That’s common humanity. Other options include:
"Other people feel this way."
"I’m not alone."
"We all struggle in our lives."
Now, put your hands over your heart, feel the warmth of your hands and the gentle touch of your hands on your chest.
3. "May I be kind to myself."
You can also ask yourself, “What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to myself?” Is there a phrase that speaks to you in your particular situation, such as:
"May I give myself the compassion that I need."
"May I learn to accept myself as I am."
"May I forgive myself."
"May I be strong."
"May I be patient."